


Where My Demons Hide

by Cocopops1995



Series: Are We All Lost Stars (Shiro Week 2017) [6]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It has a Happy Ending Though, Just to be safe, So many emotions, Sort of at least, blackpaladinweek, but it gets pretty dark, i don't know what that counts as, i'd not read this, if you have suicidal tendencies, shiroweek2017, someone tells someone else that they should have rather died
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-07 06:21:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12835128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cocopops1995/pseuds/Cocopops1995
Summary: Shiro faces his greatest fear.





	Where My Demons Hide

**Author's Note:**

> This is Shiro's POV of Alone in My Head, the previous fic in this series.
> 
> Please mind the tags! This does get pretty dark towards the middle.

Deciding to go along with the Gorian warriors to their sacred forest was not the best decision Shiro has ever made. He was the Black Paladin, though, and honoring the people who chose to fight the Galra with Voltron was part of his duties as Black Paladin. At least, that’s what he told himself as a sense of foreboding settled in his stomach when he stepped into the forest. He pushed it down, though. He’d made the decision to come along, and he was going to stick with it. 

He regretted that choice the moment it was explained to him what exactly happens in the forest. They’d been walking through the forest for only a few minutes when the captain of the guard, who had apparently been through the forest many times and was there to guide everyone else explained how the ‘Mist of Knowledge’ showed a warrior his or her greatest fear to help them overcome it. 

 

Shiro stopped dead in his tracks. He knew what his greatest fears were. They showed themselves every time he tried to sleep, and sometimes even when he was awake. He didn’t want to face his greatest fears, not if he could help it at all. Appearances and honoring the Gorian be damned. He opened his mouth to tell them no, he wasn’t going to do this. To come up with some excuse to get him out of this. 

 

But it was far too late for that. 

 

Before the words could even leave his mouth, the Gorian guards disappeared and Shiro found himself alone in a dark, unknown forest. 

 

He spun around in a frantic circle, his heart rate kicking up into a frantic pace as panic spiked in his chest. He didn't see anyone. He - where was he? He didn't know. 

 

He blinked and suddenly he was in the arena. The dead body of some alien lay at his feet, it's blood dripping from the fingers of both his prosthetic and flesh hands. The crowd went wild as the announcer screamed about the Champion’s latest victory. 

 

Shiro back pedalled away from the body - barely more than a bloody pulp - repulsed at sight of it. He looked down at his dripping, bloody hands and fought the urge to throw up. He couldn't have done that, could he? He didn’t know. He didn’t  _ remember.  _

 

“Shiro?” 

 

His head snapped up and, to his horror, found the rest of team Voltron standing on the other side of the body. Their gazes flicked between him and the mangled mess on the ground, horror and disgust growing increasingly pronounced in their expressions. 

 

“Shiro,” It was Keith who spoke, his voice laced disbelieving revulsion, “How - how could you do this?”

 

“That - no. I didn’t - I don’t,” Shiro sputtered, desperately trying to find the words that would make Keith stop looking at him like he was a  _ monster.  _ “It was going to kill me! I had to - I didn’t have a choice!”

 

Allura scoffed, “You didn’t have a choice? Of course you had a choice! You  _ chose  _ to kill this poor creature. Worse, you chose to do it in such a brutal way! You’ve gone against everything that being the Black Paladin stands for!” 

 

Allura’s words sting, and he lets out a low whine like something pathetic. “No, please. If I didn’t - it would have killed me! Please, you have to understand. I didn’t want to do this! I never wanted to do any of it!”

 

“Then why did you?” Lance asked, his voice low and devastated, “Why did you chose to do this, if you didn’t want to?” 

 

They didn’t understand. Why didn’t they understand? He had to survive. He had to kill or be killed! There was no other choice in the arena!

 

“Please,” Shiro begged, tears welling up in his eyes, “What other choice could I have made?”

 

“You could have chosen to die.” 

 

The words, spoken so quietly in Pidge’s trembling voice, hit Shiro like physical blows. He winced at them and stumbled back as the tears spilled over. 

 

“You are not worthy to be the Black Paladin.” Allura said, her words cold and harsh, “Pidge is correct. You should rather have chosen to die than to take the lives of the innocent.”

 

Shiro dropped to his knees, physically unable to hold himself up any longer, “No.” he said, his voice cracking on the words as Allura, Coran, and the paladins - his  _ friends -  _ cast final glances of disgust at him and turned away from him. “Please.” 

 

But they didn’t listen, and a moment later he was alone. The crowds, the mangled heap of flesh and blood, his friends, and the arena all vanished until it was just him, surrounded by a darkness so oppressive he thought he might drown in it. He curled up into himself and waited for the darkness to swallow him up forever. 

 

It never did. 

 

Instead, he slowly became aware of voice again. Muted at first, as if he was hearing them through water, and not clear enough for him to understand. After an eternity the voices started becoming clearer. He could make out the words that they spoke. And he recognised the voices. Those were the voices of his friends. Why had they come back? Was it to watch the darkness swallow him up? To make sure that the monster he’d become was finally put down? His breathing hitched. They hated him so much now. He couldn’t blame them. 

 

“It’s okay, Shiro.” Keith said, “You’re safe now.”

 

What? That was… Keith sounded so different now than the last time he’d spoken to Shiro. No longer disgusted and harsh, but soft and comforting. It was such a juxtaposition that, for a moment, Shiro’s mind went totally blank. His eyes opened, but all he saw was the darkness. Although, it was less oppressive now. He no longer felt like it would overwhelm and drown him. 

 

“Keith?” Shiro asked, his own voice rough. 

 

“Yes! Yes, I’m here, Shiro. We all are. You’re safe, I promise.” 

 

Shiro tried to find Keith in the darkness, he sounded so close, but he couldn’t see him, or anyone else, at all. Was he just imagining hearing Keith’s voice? He sounded so real, though. 

 

Shiro clenched his eyes shut against the darkness.

 

“Shiro?” Keith asked, worry evident in his tone.

 

“Dark.” Shiro all but whined. 

 

There was a pause.

 

“The lights are on, though.” This time it was Lance who spoke, his voice soft and uncertain.

 

“It’s probably the mist still in his system.” Pidge’s voice sounded and Shiro winced at the memory of the last words he’d heard her speak. 

 

“This is the first time he’s actually heard us.” Hunk’s voice piped up, “It must be almost out of his system now.”

 

Shiro made a confused sound in the back of his throat. He didn’t know what they were talking about. What was in his system? Had he been drugged?

 

“It’s okay,” Keith murmured, sounding as if he was speaking somewhere near Shiro’s head, “You just breathed in some nasty mist that made you see things. Hunk is right, it should be completely out of you soon and then this will all be over. Just rest for now, okay. We won’t let anything happen to you.”

 

He sounded so sure that Shiro could only believe him, despite the ever present darkness. So he settled, and he waited. 

Slowly, he became aware of other things. There were arms wrapped around him. At first he was alarmed by them, but they didn’t feel restrictive, just warm and protective, so he relaxed. Other sensations followed and soon he was aware enough to know that he was somewhere soft, and that he was surrounded by the warm bodies of his friends. He realised that he was exhausted, so he let he near constant sound of their conversation washed over him and soon he drifted off into unconsciousness.

 

He woke with a gasp, disoriented and confused. Where was he? What was going on? The last thing he remembers is being alone in the forest...

 

“Shiro?” 

 

His head snapped toward the sound of Keith’s voice and found that Keith lying right next to him, with an arm wrapped around Shiro’s shoulders. 

 

“Keith? What?” Shiro clenched his eyes shut, trying to get his thoughts in order, “I… I was alone. And then…” 

 

“It’s okay. You’re not alone anymore, see?” 

 

Shiro opened his eyes and followed Keith’s gesture and noticed that the were on one of the couches in the rec room and the other paladins were curled up in various positions around them. Pidge was pressed up against his other side and had an arm wrapped around his middle. Lance was sprawled out on the other side of Pidge, his head resting in her lap and one of his hands stretched out to rest on Shiro’s leg. Hunk was on the other side of Keith with his head resting on Keith’s shoulder. He had his hand wrapped around Shiro’s flesh hand, which lay in Keith’s lap. 

 

Eventually his eyes came back to Keith, who was watching him patiently. 

 

“We’re in the Castle of Lions.” Keith said, “You’re safe. I promise.”

 

Shiro felt himself relax at the words.  He still had so many questions. But he was also so, so tired. So he smiled at Keith, and said: “Thank you.”

 

Keith shook his head, waving off the thanks, and said: “Go back to sleep.”

  
  


Much too tired to argue, and feeling incredibly safe and protected, surrounded by all his friends, Shiro nodded in response and dropped his head back on the couch pillow. He fell asleep in seconds.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Like my work? Please consider [buying me a coffee](https://ko-fi.com/W7W3KRCZ) :)


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